Yes, I fell off the face of the planet.

Posted by Jason Steele | Monday 21 June 2010 1:05 am

I just recieved this e-mail:

Imma try to not sound like a terrible jerk but would it kill ya to post a blog update once in a while? i ain’t necessarily asking for a video (though that’d be nice) I’m just asking for a nice little reminder that you haven’t fallen off the face of the planet cause when you haven’t posted since early May and I kinda wanna know whats going on.

So let me explain.  I did in fact fall off the face of the planet.

My journey began during an exotic sailing expedition I took near the end of May.  Strong currents and unpredictable winds combined with a malfunction of my navigation equipment left me stranded in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, weeks away from any land mass.  As my food and water supply dwindled, I knew that I had a tough decision to make.  Either I die of dehydration in a few days when my water ran out, or I try my luck with the silver, half-translucent shard that I wore around my neck.  I chose the latter.

Let me explain.  You see, years ago I met a mystic in India who claimed to have killed a god, and from its body taken three triangular “shards” of reality.  Each shard, I was told, contained the power to distort and alter the very fabric of existence.

Naturally I didn’t believe a word of it.  That is, until the mystic led me to the body of the god that he had slain.  What I saw that day changed me.  The “body” was small, about the size of a small child, and showed no signs of decomposition.  It had no discernible face, and its limbs were long, lanky and jointed in very unhuman-like places.  But what truly terrified me about this dead “being” was the color.  A color that I had never seen before and, after leaving, could no longer even picture in my mind.  It was a shade and texture that simply does not exist.  An impossible color.

The mystic died a week or so later, killed senselessly by a lowly street thief.  When I heard of his death I broke into his house and selfishly took one of the three shards.  I do not know what became of the other two.

Which brings me back to my ship, and my horrible decision to use the shard.  As I gripped the smooth, silver triangle between my fingers, I felt a cold chill forming inside my being.  A chill that felt uncomfortably familiar… as if it were leaking into my past, infecting my memories.  I should have stopped – all of my instincts were telling me to put the shard down and accept my fate, to die at sea with honor.

I no longer remember the moment that I used the shard.  All I remember is the terrible sound that came afterwards.  A thick, almost physical sound that, like the color of the dead god, seemed impossible.  But within a few moments the sound became clear, and I was so overwhelmed by what I was hearing that I would have taken my own life just to escape it.

It was everything.  Every word ever spoken, every scream and every giggle.  The last breath of every murder victim, the first laugh of every baby.  It was the spectrum of human existence – every good, bad and mundane moment in the lives of all whom had ever walked the earth, being repeated to me for what seemed like an eternity.

Mercifully, the shard had also created an opening in space that I eventually fell through.  An opening to where, I do not remember.  All I know is that I had fallen off the very face of the planet, and away from that horrible sound.

I have vague memories of the weeks that followed, quick flashes of events that now seem completely alien to me.  Eventually I returned home, although I cannot remember how or when.

All that I have left of that trip is a feeling, a terrible feeling now permanently injected into the very core of my psyche.  A feeling that tells me the sound will be back, waiting for me on the other side of my inevitable death.  Only this time there will be no exit, no end.  Just me and the sound, that unbearable symphony of existence, for all of eternity.


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46 Comments

  1. Comment by LostOverThere — June 21, 2010 @ 1:23 am

    The best part is where you nearly died :>

  2. Comment by doijj — June 21, 2010 @ 2:07 am

    :D

  3. Comment by Josh — June 21, 2010 @ 3:09 am

    Quite the sailing trip then

  4. Comment by ThetaSigma — June 21, 2010 @ 5:03 am

    O.o WHAT THE SHIT

  5. Comment by mckenna — June 21, 2010 @ 7:50 am

    well jason you certainly did provide a blog there, should be enough to sate us inpatient monkeys for awhile. But in a few months time we shall require more, a sacrifice or virgin purity… or a video.. if uve got one just hanging around

  6. Comment by FlippytheMasterofPie — June 21, 2010 @ 9:57 am

    Ah, yes, that happened to me last week. I think I saw you.

  7. Comment by Polkm — June 21, 2010 @ 10:46 am

    Ooooh that explains it, well glad your back and if I cared more about you Id say get well soon.

  8. Comment by DwarfWoot — June 21, 2010 @ 10:54 am

    Well thank goodness your back and alright!



    Video time? lol

  9. Comment by warz — June 21, 2010 @ 11:06 am

    you used my email… I don’t know whether to feel like a wank or whether to feel awesome.

  10. Comment by Jam — June 21, 2010 @ 11:18 am

    HAHAHAHAHA JASON YOU LEGEND :)

    This brings back KKR memories!

  11. Comment by Ehrgloshmahneekahbglah — June 21, 2010 @ 11:32 am

    Weird…. I feel the same thing happened to me. Perhaps in another life?

  12. Comment by Demons Dog — June 21, 2010 @ 12:14 pm

    Dayum.

  13. Comment by D.J. — June 21, 2010 @ 12:42 pm

    I once had a problem with something similar. only it wasn’t a god shard but a pixie’s dead body. I thought that by shaking it i could fly like in the movie but to no avail i ended up killing it opening a portal into a room filled with a man in the corner talking to himself about politics and i knew i had just gotten a glimpse into hell. but i ended up becoming friends with that incredibly weird man who now plays cricket with me every tuesday. oddly enough we seem to be the only americans who appreciate cricket. He has retired from political debating and joined the airforce. Haven’t seen him since…..

  14. Comment by maxx — June 21, 2010 @ 12:48 pm

    dude, i know how you feel. i once ran into a glass door, and the feeling must be similar.

  15. Comment by Samuel Shaver — June 21, 2010 @ 1:02 pm

    And we applaud you for your valiant efforts, sir.

  16. Comment by Zeema — June 21, 2010 @ 1:24 pm

    I salute you Jason and your journey through hell and back. I believe we can all learn something important from your experiences, but only a select few of the chosen will be able to tell what that is. I am only of those few, simply because I have gone through something similar. Did you ever wonder what happened to the other two shards? I used to have one in my possession, but now it is elsewhere. We have been chosen, not for greatness, but for eternal hell. I pray no one may find them. For the sake of humanity. *brother looks over shoulder* “uhhhh… What are you doing?” “SILENCE! I AM MAKING A PROPHESY!!!!”

  17. Comment by The Murphinaturrr — June 21, 2010 @ 4:36 pm

    @warz usually a wank feels awesome anyway

  18. Comment by The Magical Moose — June 21, 2010 @ 5:06 pm

    How did you get all the sand out?

  19. Comment by Adept — June 21, 2010 @ 7:00 pm

    Was the malfunctioning navigation equipment the Garmin GPS that wont let you type C?

  20. Comment by MACandCHEEZWIZ1 — June 21, 2010 @ 7:21 pm

    COOL STORY, BRO

  21. Comment by Adam — June 21, 2010 @ 7:27 pm

    You’re the best.

  22. Comment by bob the hog — June 21, 2010 @ 9:45 pm

    the amulet…

  23. Comment by Captain E — June 22, 2010 @ 1:44 am

    You sure you weren’t in somebody’s pool?

  24. Comment by BURGERMAN — June 22, 2010 @ 2:36 am

    I am proud of you son.

  25. Comment by Jegermeister0 — June 22, 2010 @ 3:31 pm

    Epic trip

    *cough* Magical *cough* Mushrooms *cough*

  26. Comment by the muffin man — June 22, 2010 @ 4:12 pm

    O.O um… okay… nice trip o_o

  27. Comment by Pete — June 22, 2010 @ 5:06 pm

    Nice, so, Spatula Madness?

    I’d really like to be able to spend some money on a DVD on of these days.

  28. Comment by Desss — June 22, 2010 @ 8:46 pm

    Dude! i was JUST about to tell some crazy ass story that’s obviously fake too but i see the idea gets around fast. Well that is about the expectancy from you, Jason. By the way if you’re reading this, me and all my friends have been dying for months for you to make a Cloak 2. Also wicked job with the President Tuft’s Secrets Pony Birgade. i love the part with Ponita. “You’re the worst pony ever and i hate you.” LMAO

  29. Comment by FlareHunter76 — June 22, 2010 @ 10:47 pm

    I love you. And I’m not even gay.

  30. Comment by warz — June 23, 2010 @ 11:08 pm

    My vote is still on hot dogs.

  31. Comment by Catloverlsal — June 24, 2010 @ 6:26 am

    Yeah right. Thought I will give you credit for a good story.

  32. Comment by VSA19 — June 24, 2010 @ 9:32 pm

    hi awsome videos… well this doesn’t have to do with this blog but i was playing an online game as VSA19 and i decided to see what would happen if i said stuff from you hot topic video and here is what happend = me-VSA _ Person i was talking to – Guy

    VSA – Hint= don’t talk to the weasle
    ( 1 minute goes bye )
    VSA – did you talk to the weasle?
    VSA – did you talk to the weasle?!
    Guy – …I…I don’t think so?
    VSA – fool I am the weasle!
    Guy – no your not your VSA
    Guy – shut up and spin my hat!

    and that is the result of what would happen if i use lines from your hot topic charlie the unicorn video. thank you!

  33. Comment by Carebearsonfire — June 25, 2010 @ 7:34 pm

    Soooooooo ummmmm whatever ur on me and my friend want some….. XD (dots!!)

  34. Comment by RVM — June 27, 2010 @ 12:21 am

    I love you.

  35. Comment by BarryTB132 — June 27, 2010 @ 7:44 pm

    ha ha awesome! can’t wait for llamas with hats 3!!!

  36. Comment by I Palindrome I — June 27, 2010 @ 11:10 pm

    Man, I hate it when that happens.

  37. Comment by BarryTB132 — June 28, 2010 @ 10:44 pm

    you should’ve made this into a video lol

  38. Comment by Robert the Bobbert — June 29, 2010 @ 9:32 am

    I know exactly what everything sounds like: vuvuzelas.

  39. Comment by EXPScoreBoy — June 29, 2010 @ 4:13 pm

    I heard from a trans-Australian hobo that the other last shard grands the beholder a thousand years of endless waffles through the generations. Then again, he was a hobo.

  40. Comment by barking banana — July 1, 2010 @ 3:39 am

    it sounds like a modern sequel to jason and the arganots a little.

  41. Comment by The Muffin Man — July 1, 2010 @ 8:44 pm

    Very elaborate story. :)

  42. Comment by Zach — July 3, 2010 @ 11:42 pm

    You should turn that story into a video
    that would be EPIC

  43. Comment by Daniel — July 7, 2010 @ 1:31 pm

    write a book

  44. Comment by brendan — July 8, 2010 @ 11:13 am

    Jason as I am possibly the only one that sees you are clingded to by lots of society for socially disterbing video’s and funnies, it is my pleasure to say thank you for making my non airconditioning house of pure hell, slightly fun :) You make epic videos, also just recently my Ex girlfriend came to my house in the middle of the night -she’s also friends with my sis- and as I woke up I found her walking out my sisters bedroom, the cops were at my gate, and one of the cops sounded oddly like one of your family of friends that helps make the videos it was a funny experiece that brightened up my day, it was like closer to what meeting you would feel like except you wouldnt be a cop :D

    Xrray, hate cops

  45. Comment by Carlos Julio — July 8, 2010 @ 11:19 pm

    Why? Why??? Why are you so awesome? how do you do it?

  46. Comment by Megan — July 9, 2010 @ 5:23 pm

    OMG! The same thing happened to my cousin last week! She asked me to kill her when she got home, I said no, so now she’s living in a loony bin. :) I get to visit her once a year.

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