no more answers

there’s this idea that things get easier, but I think it’s just that people get better at faking it. I am sick of keeping a fake blog, so I’m just forgetting the other one and focusing on this. it’s true that I don’t have much time anymore, and I like it that way. less time to think. less time to worry.

so I make new friends and manage to separate myself more completely from my family. it feels like I’m living two lives. like there is this part of me that has to pretend to be what my dad sees, and there’s another part who is trying to figure out what is under that. it’s a puddle that just reflects back what it’s shown. I don’t think I’m anything. it’s like I’m watching myself do these things, but I can’t stop myself from acting.

I hear conversations that mean nothing. people talk and I have nothing to say. I respond in terrible ways, and I hear myself saying these things, but I can’t stop. I can’t take it back.

I don’t want to be weird and I don’t want to be normal. I just want to be me. I thought I found a place where I could be accepted, and it’s ok, but it’s still not what i need. it’s better than school and it gives me a place to be that isn’t home, and I guess that’s all I can ask for right now. mom used to say I think too much. maybe I do. or maybe it’s just that no one else is thinking enough.

I don’t think things will get easier. I don’t think people are essentially good. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. it all seems like fairy tales. I have all these things I don’t believe in. what is left? what is real? what can I do?

the end is very nigh

I don’t think I’m going to post anymore. I just don’t have the time, with school and drama club and everything. Things are going fine in my life. so I guess there’s nothing else to say. thanks for reading, dad’s friend. you’ll have to get your amy fix straight from the source now, but not in like a gross way.

a new life

like I said in my other blog, I’ve been going to that place a lot. almost every day after school. dad and darleen don’t care too much as long as I’m still getting my homework done. though they have said they’d like for me to be around more often. they also asked if I’m going to be in a play or something anytime soon. I said we were just improv and stuff. no performances.

meeting other abnormal people has been cool. I feel less lonely but when I’m at school things still suck. I just avoid everyone. my ex-bf and ex-best friend are still together, only now they avoid me and are mean like I did something wrong. the counselor at the place I go (I need some kind of nickname for it) said the bf’s are probably feeling guilty so they’re projecting those feeling onto me. I think they’re just asshole jerks.

I want to thank all my new friends for the nice comments they’ve been making on my blogs. it means a lot to me. I feel really lucky and I’m glad I’m not alone anymore.

busy

I haven’t had as much time to write since I’ve been involved with drama club, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I was thinking way too negatively before. I think darleen and my dad have noticed a difference, but now when I get in trouble for something darleen threatens to keep me from going to drama. I don’t think that’s fair, since drama club is what helps keep me sane. my dad said that, too.

I’m making new friends. darleen and dad want to meet them, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. for now I just want something I can keep to myself.

strips and stripes, oh my

I’m trying to keep the moodiness out of my other blog so my dad doesn’t give me a hard time about things. but when I watched “nightmare before christmas” with my friends, it made me feel really lonely. I could relate to jack in a lot of ways. just feeling like I don’t belong, and like I want to try something new. and like everyone else is trying to keep things the way they are, misunderstanding me and stuff. I don’t know. it’s hard to explain.

I have been going to that place I mentioned before. it’s pretty cool. I don’t want to say the name of it just in case my dad’s friend finds this blog. but there are all kinds of people there. some of them are really dramatic, so I told my dad I’ve been doing afterschool drama club. it’s only kind of lying.

I guess what I’ve realized is that there are a lot of people that have it worse off than I do. yeah, my mom’s dead, my dad’s flaky, and my step-mom is overbearing, but at least I’m not on drugs or something. and I haven’t been kicked out of the house. I’m still not sure if I belong at this place, but it’s better than anywhere else I can find. at least they accept me there. well, the staff does. most of the other people do too. some are just jerks, but I guess that’s life. winning them over just isn’t worth the effort.

this is halloween

I watched “nightmare before christmas” with some friends tonight. I’d forgotten how much I liked that movie. it made me wish I’d carved a jack skellington pumpkin instead of a cat. I don’t think darleen would have liked it. she doesn’t seem to like anything I do.

school’s ok. I’ve been busy with lots of extra stuff. it’s nice to feel like I have some kind of social life. it’s been a while.

pumpkin time

I’m not sure if people read both blogs, so I’ll just repeat a little of what I said on the other site. darleen, dad, and I carved pumpkins this weekend. I carved a cat, darleen did a standard jack a lantern face, and dad used a stencil from the kit. but he gave me a hard time about always carving cats.

mom used to do really elaborate carvings, like the kind you see at those pumpkin shows. she said she was going to teach me how to do them, but by the time I was old enough to learn, she’d gotten pretty sick and wasn’t doing them anymore. she always liked my cat pumpkins. I guess that’s why I keep doing them.

I don’t like to talk to my dad about mom because he doesn’t like to hear about it. I think he feels bad about being with darleen, even though darleen came along after mom and dad had already split up. he just doesn’t like being reminded of her. so I don’t talk to him about it. I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t have anything to say, except that I miss her, and I wish she was here, and I wish I’d been a better daughter. she wasn’t perfect, but she was a pretty good mom.

she also made really cool costumes. I guess she was the creative one in the family. too bad that didn’t get passed on to me.

maybe I’ll go as the color blue this year. that seems appropriate.

sunday sunday

it was nice out this weekend so darleen, dad, and I went out and got some pumpkins to carve. like always, I carved a cat. my dad gave me a hard time about always doing the same thing. I can’t help it. cats are the only thing I can draw or anything, so why wouldn’t I do a cat? my dad did one of those patterns that come with the pumpkin-carving kits. darleen did a typical triangles and teeth face. apparently I am part of a household of boring people.

it was nice to be outside for a while, carving the pumpkins. I wanted to save the seeds but darleen wouldn’t let me. she didn’t feel like cleaning them. I said I would do it, but she told me that she knew I wouldn’t. I tried to save them anyway but she threw them away when I went to the bathroom. I was pissed.

I still don’t know what I’m gonna be for halloween. I do this every year. I get all excited and then wait to the last minute to decide and end up with something lame. oh well. at least I can be someone else for a day.

hello, new blog

since my dad’s friend found my other blog, I’ve decided to start a new one. I’m going to keep the old one up, though, so that no one looks for this one. I told some of my friends from school about it, but that’s it.

my dad apologized for blowing up at me and darleen apologized for not sticking up for me. damage has been done, though. I don’t trust them.

one of my school friends told me about a place gay kids can hang out after school. it isn’t a club or anything. it’s like a center or something. no drugs or drinking. it’s free. and my parents don’t have to know.

I’m gonna tell them I’m doing math tutoring or something. I dunno yet. I guess I should just see how it goes before I start lying. I might not even like it there.

I might not even be gay, or bi, or straight, or anything at all.

magic time

instead of starting a new blog, I’ll just keep this one. my week has been fine. school hasn’t been too bad. darleen hasn’t been on my ass like she normally is. my dad apologized for blowing up at me.

fairy tale, yay.

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