my hiatus

yesterday someone at my school was wearing a shirt that said, “speak your truth.” but the truth isn’t as easy as all that. sometimes my truth is different from someone else’s truth. it isn’t an absolute. it should be, but it isn’t. if something is true, then that should be the end of it. but what I believe is different from what other people believe. like I think such-and-such is a good band. that is a truth to me. someone else thinks it’s horrible. that is their truth.

my truth is that I am a goddamn liar. and I have been lying to myself for months and months and making up my truth as I went along. and in between my lies, I’ve had long stretches of heart-breaking reality. I hate it. I hate my life and I hate myself. yeah, I’m a cat. so what. that’s old news. I’ll always be ostracized for being different. I hate that other people think they need to care about what I believe and what I do. I pretend like I’m ok with myself, but I’m not.

the whole topic of bullying has become a big deal lately. guess what, kids are never going to stop being bullies. you either fit in or you’re made fun of for not fitting in. it’s funny that some people think you get to have a choice. it’s funny that the bullies think the freaks choose to be freaks. we don’t. it’s just who we are. I could look just like them, and I’d still be a freak. why even bother. I might as well like how I look and speak my truth. at least I’ll be honest.

turns out the reason my mom went to live in that commune is because she’s sick. really sick. my dad didn’t know because she didn’t want me to know. so I guess she’s going to die for real this time. that’s why my step-dad couldn’t drive me. he was taking care of her. seeing her was hard. it feels like it was so long ago. hard to believe it’s only been a couple months.

I’m not ok with who I am or with this situation. I’m so angry. when I thought my mom was dead before, I lost friends because they didn’t want to deal with my sadness. or people pretended to be my friend because they felt bad for me. when I found out my mom was alive, but like me, things got weird because people were treating me strangely for entirely different reasons. I don’t know how I’m going to deal when she dies again. AGAIN. that sounds so messed up.

I thought seeing her would be good. it wasn’t. I feel even worse now. I lost something, found it, and now it’s being taken away again.

I guess that’s what life is all about, right? I wish I’d never found out she was alive in the first place. that was a truth I could have done without.

wondering about identity

one of my friends has a cat, and when I go over there he calls her “my pretty girl” and tells her that she’s “such a good cat.” it got me wondering if other animals have identity troubles too, like species and gender. I want to tell him that he doesn’t know how his cat identifies because he can’t ask her. but how can you be sensitive to things like that? does she even know he might be disrespecting her?
and why are some kids able to tell right away that they were born into the wrong bodies, like they know from the time they’re aware of their genitals that they have the wrong ones, but others end up waiting until they’re adults before they can say anything about it?
why did I realize I was a cat when I was 15 but it took my mom until she was like 40 before she knew? it’s something I’ve always known, but it’s one of those things that you don’t know is wrong to feel until someone tells you. like when people started questioning the way I move, or how I touched things. if I was a guy, I would have been called a fag. guess I’m lucky that girls and cats are already a lot alike.
I think that sometimes people don’t have the words for what they are.
I guess I’ve decided to focus this blog on identity. I get kind of tired of reading blogs from people my age where it’s all about boyfriends and girlfriends and prom. I know it sounds weird, since I share all this secret stuff, but I don’t feel like being judged for the music I listen to. you know, the superficial stuff. it just feels unimportant.
I see my mom in 2 weeks. my dad and I met with some people from the forum. one of them is going with me to see my mom, and my step-dad will meet us there to explain the rules. my dad doesn’t want me going alone, but he isn’t allowed to go there. only people that identify as animal-spirited (or along those lines) and their partners can go to the commune. originally my step-dad was going to drive me, but I guess he changed his mind? I have no idea. I don’t really care.
I’m nervous. but I have to go to sleep now, so i can’t really write much more. maybe I’ll add onto this later.

being unfair

I’m officially ungrounded from going online from home. my dad and I have been talking more about what goes on in my head. he’s agreed for me to meet some of the people from the forum, as long as he’s around too. some of my lgbtq friends have been asking me to use a different term, since they think “trans-species” is unfair to transgender people. the official term is “species dysphoria,” I think. I think I mentioned it before. there’s also otherkin. if you’re really interested, you can google the term. a good discussions of it is at http://www.otherkin.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=33&t=3796
I guess I’m tired of people telling me that what I’m going through isn’t real, just because they don’t understand it. it makes me really angry and sad. most of my old friends (from before the lesbian thing) have stopped hanging out with me because they think I’m crazy. but I feel closer to understanding myself than I ever have before. there’s so much confusion in life. it’s so hard to connect to people. sometimes it feels like “normal” people are just looking for any excuse to exclude people that aren’t exactly like them. but no one’s normal. the people that try hardest to fit in are the ones that have to defend their views the most, and I think defending pointless opinions just because you can is a terrible way to be. it’s like they don’t want to think or accept that there’s a whole world outside of their tiny lives. I get it. it’s scary. but that doesn’t make the rest of us stop existing.
it will be nice to meet some people that understand, and talk to them face-to-face, and see how they live. I bet there are a lot of dogs walking around in a human body, and cats, and wolves, and a bunch of nameless animals, too.
I don’t want to cut off the rest of the world just because it keeps trying to cut me off. as the time I get to see my mom again gets closer, I want more than anything to reconnect. I need that. now that I’m starting to understand myself a little more, I think I’ll be able to be around people again. I hope.

the winding road goes on

post mother’s day. been feeling lost. school is almost over. I’m 16 now. going to get my learner’s permit soon. darleen was nervous about it. dad said it was a good idea, though. provide me with some independence. he’s been nice since I found mom. guess he felt guilty for hiding the truth from me for so long. he even helped a little, once he found out I’d been talking to people from the forums on the phone. he says he was worried for my safety. I haven’t been allowed to get online at home for the past two months. doesn’t mean I haven’t been getting on at school and the library and stuff. I guess I’ve been depressed and haven’t wanted to share myself with anyone. this past year has been so confusing. trying to figure out who I am, what’s wrong with me, why I feel so disconnected. dad started having me see the school therapist since I wasn’t talking at all to the one he was paying for. so now I get to spend my free period talking about myself, instead of doing school things. it’s ok. she lets me play guitar, and play games, and draw, and stuff. it’s all get-to-know-yourself crap. but it’s better than the other guy I was seeing. he’d just look at me with his fingers all intertwined and nod silently. super creepy.

it’s been really hard to write and share lately. I’ve been working on this entry for days. I’m going to see my mom once school is over. she isn’t as far away as I thought she was. one of the forumers helped me, that’s how dad found out about them. he overheard me on the phone. my stepdad is going to drive me there. maybe I’ll get to drive part of the way. dad doesn’t want me going alone. I sent my mom a card for mother’s day. her response was pretty weird. I think she must be really out of it or something. if I feel disconnected, she must be about ten times worse.

honestly, the place she’s at sounds like one of those off-the-grid, grow your own food, compost everything kind of places. except everyone there also identifies as something other than human. some of them have caretakers, like brian. he also helps take care of some of the other animal-people there. I don’t really know what that means. I’m a little freaked out by it.

I’ve met plenty of people who are ok with being an animal in a human body. I don’t know what it would be like to live as an animal while still being in a human body. I don’t even know how that works. do they wear clothes? how do they farm on four legs? how far do they take it? I haven’t gotten a lot of answers. it doesn’t help that, since I found her, I’ve barely been able to talk to anyone about it.

I’ve been writing a song about the whole thing. though really it’s just the lyrics so far, since I’m still not great with guitar. maybe I’ll post them once they’re all finished. probably not, though. I get laughed at enough as it is. and yet there were so many more people wearing cat ear hats this year than before. so I must be dong sometihng right, if people are still trying to be like me.

I think it’s pretty dumb they want to be like me. I don’t even want to be like me. they’re crazier than I am.

through the looking-glass

I’ve been spending most of my online time over at the trans-species forums. it’s just nice to be with people that understand me. my lgbt friends have been helpful, but they are all wrapped up in their own kinds of problems. ones that I don’t really get either.
I keep dreaming about my mom. I’m really angry at her, that she lied to me, that my dad let her lie to me. my dad’s tried to be nice, but it’s just hard for me to look at him. he’s been making me see a counselor or something (therapist? psychologist? I dunno) but I don’t really want to be there. I want to not be mad at my mom. sometimes I almost wish she really was dead because I think it would hurt less than knowing she just left me behind.

the people I’ve made friends with on the t-s forum have been really helpful. they’ve given me some leads on where mom might be, but there’s only so much I can do as a 15 yr old. some of them have even checked out info for me, but so far nothing’s turned up. how many places could she possibly be? my stepdad called 2 weeks ago but my dad didn’t let me talk to him. didn’t want me to get upset. it just upset me more. I didn’t talk to dad for a week after that.

I started taking guitar lessons, to take my mind of things. darleen got me a hat with cat ears. I love wearing it. dad got mad at her because he thinks she’s encouraging me. funny how the tables have turned. darleen used to be the one that tried to crush my creativity. now it’s my dad. ironic, right?

I don’t know what I want anymore. sometimes I wonder what normal feels like. sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing.

I have to go pretend to do homework now. pretend to care about this stupid world and this stupid life. eventually things will make sense again. they have to.

more catting about

I found a message board for people like me who are trans-species, or have species dysphoria. I also found out that there’s another name for it: otherkin. I don’t like that one as much as trans-species, though. species dysphoria makes it sound like there’s something wrong with me, like I’m sick. otherkin makes it sound like I believe in fairies or something. trans-species sounds like it’s just a thing, like transgender or transsexual. like I’m just someone who was born into the wrong body, only I’m not a boy in a girl’s body. I’m a cat in a girl’s body.

so I’ve been on these message boards, talking to other people about things. and I feel better about myself, but also worse because, I mean, transgender would be hard enough for people to understand. there’s no way they could understand trans-species unless they were it, too. I guess that’s why mom went away. she saw the signs in me and was worried that I’d follow in her footsteps so she left. she didn’t want me to end up in the life that she had. but I have. so I’ve been trying to look for her.

I’ve made some friends on the boards. most of them are a lot older than me, so I’ve been asking around about my mom. I’ve been talking to my dad and been trying to call my stepdad. for once, darleen’s been pretty cool about things. guess she thinks I’ve had it rough enough already. it doesn’t feel right that my mom would have left me thinking she’s dead. my dad says that she hoped she’d be able to talk to me later on in my life, but it was gonna be at time when she and my dad thought I was ready. only my dad hasn’t heard from her in months. or from her husband.

dad doesn’t want to tell me much about the relationship mom had (has?) with her husband. I can kinda guess just from what I’ve figured out on the forums and little things I put together over the years. my stepdad acted like, I dunno, my mom’s owner. he took care of her. so when she “died” they both left and he’s been taking care of her at the cat commune. I don’t know exactly what it all means. just that he’s helping her live her life as she wants to live it. I have no idea how they can afford it. he must be working tech from his computer or something. that’s what he used to do.

there are parts of the message boards I can’t go to because I’m too young. I don’t really want to know what mom does with brian anyway, so I’m glad I can’t read about that crap. the older members are protective of me because I’m so young and because of what happened with my mom. they’re all keeping an eye out for me, to see if they hear anything about a commune like what my dad said.

I don’t know if I should even try to find her. I want to. I want to leave school and just go searching for her, but that’s not what she’d want. I hate myself for feeling that way. and I can’t shake the feeling that maybe brian has been keeping her from me. I don’t know.

hopefully I’ll find out more soon.

in other news, school’s ok (not great) and I’m getting better on the guitar, despite actually being a cat.

why is this happening

sorry I haven’t been writing here. things have been surreal and I wasn’t really sure where to start. so I guess I’ll do what that song says and start at the beginning.

my dad was using my computer the other day because his had a virus and he looked at my search history and found out that I’ve been trying to find information about being a cat trapped in a person’s body. it’s called “species dysphoria” or trans-species. anyway, my dad asked me about it. I tried to act like I was just researching it for something for school, but then he started crying and said that the same thing had happened to my mom. that my mom wasn’t really dead. that she was a cat.

only he said that she THOUGHT she was a cat. that it’s something she struggled with for a long time. that it was why they got divorced. she had been sick, but she got better. it wasn’t the cancer that killed her. cancer was what made her stop acting like she wasn’t what she knew she was all along. my mom’s a cat.

he was hoping that with me it would be a case of nurture over nature. that I would be ok with being a human. but he was wrong.

he said my mom’s been at a commune with people like her. with other trans-species people. he wouldn’t tell me what it was called because he doesn’t want me to go there. but I can’t believe it. my mom is alive. my mom is not dead. my mom is alive. as hard as it was to accept her death, it’s now equally hard to accept that she’s alive. not only is she alive, she’s like ME.

I can’t believe my dad lied to me about my mom dying. I go between hating him and understanding why he did it. to him, mom as a cat is as good as being dead because she’s not a person. what he doesn’t get is that she was never a person. she was just pretending.

I have to find her. or at least get in touch with her. I’ll write more when I have more information. there’s still a lot I don’t understand about the situation. is her husband still with her? is he a cat too? is she getting surgery to be more like a cat?

as much confusion that I have, so many things make sense now. and my mom is alive.

embarrassing realizations

up too late. gonna be groggy for school tomorrow. there’s things swirling around in my head that I can’t put to rest. I’ve been feeling really strange since I was sick over thanksgiving. wondering if maybe the fever fried my brain or something. or maybe it just burnt the bullshit away.

I feel altered. I feel less like I’m wearing a mask. I don’t think I’m going to go to “drama club” anymore. I don’t think it’s where I need to be. it has helped me realize that the problem with my identity isn’t that I’m gay (or straight, or bi, or trans, or anything like that). I’m not sure what I’m attracted to, but I don’t think it’s people. I just don’t like them very much.

and it’s not like I’m into animals, either, so don’t even say anything. I’m not into beastiality. I just think I was maybe born into the wrong species.

it’s kind of a problem. and I don’t foresee any solution. I mean, how does one come out as “cat?”

no such thing as getting over it

I’ve been sick for the past couple days. spent thanksgiving in bed. it was probably for the best. mom’s favorite holiday was thanksgiving. she used to let me help make the meal. it was fun, until I hit puberty and started being a jerk. I regret the times we fought. I was always so angry. I still am. I just don’t have anyone to take it out on now.

sometimes I imagine how I would act if darleen died. or my dad. what would I do differently? I’m not sure. sometimes the only thing that keeps me from screaming in darleen’s face is the thought of how bad I would feel if she died tomorrow. so despite the things I’ve said about her, I still try not to be a bitch to her. because I don’t know how much time I have left with her. just like I don’t know how much time I have left with my dad. and I didn’t know how little time I’d have with my mom.

I’m not ready yet to let go of the things I did with my mom, like making tg dinner. or xmas cookies. being sick was kind of a relief. I just stayed in bed and watched stupid movies. tried not to think too much about things. so of course I did the opposite.

I know it’s dumb to have regrets, but I can’t help it. sometimes they’re the only thing that make me still feel connected to my mom.

lather, rinse, repeat until satisfied

say it over and over. there is no good or evil. there is no such thing. it is just learned behavior. it is things our parents showed us or our teachers taught us or our friends pushed on us. it’s all subjective so it’s all a matter of opinion.

I hate all the movies with the ultimate evil vs the ultimate good because it’s never that simple. there isn’t some mighty god with a capital G in the sky, watching everyone and everything, waiting for each of us to sin so we can be punished. there isn’t some devil in the center of the world, trying to tempt us all. blind faith makes me want to scream. it makes me want to shake people. blind faith in anything. not just xtianity. blind faith in the goodness of others or that everything will be ok or that everything will be fucked up always and forever. it’s all a mess.

people just live their lives in their ignorance because it’s easier than looking at what is really there. this whole journey for self-identity has been helping me see this more and more. it feels like I’m on my own, since I can’t have blind faith in my dad anymore, and I never did in darleen. what’s the opposite of blind faith? that’s what I feel for her. I am cautious with my friends. they want me to open up but I don’t trust them. I don’t trust anyone. the more I look around me, the more I see that no one can be trusted. not even me. especially me.

I need something else to do.

maybe I’ll start playing my dad’s old guitar. he certainly doesn’t.

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