my hiatus

yesterday someone at my school was wearing a shirt that said, “speak your truth.” but the truth isn’t as easy as all that. sometimes my truth is different from someone else’s truth. it isn’t an absolute. it should be, but it isn’t. if something is true, then that should be the end of it. but what I believe is different from what other people believe. like I think such-and-such is a good band. that is a truth to me. someone else thinks it’s horrible. that is their truth.

my truth is that I am a goddamn liar. and I have been lying to myself for months and months and making up my truth as I went along. and in between my lies, I’ve had long stretches of heart-breaking reality. I hate it. I hate my life and I hate myself. yeah, I’m a cat. so what. that’s old news. I’ll always be ostracized for being different. I hate that other people think they need to care about what I believe and what I do. I pretend like I’m ok with myself, but I’m not.

the whole topic of bullying has become a big deal lately. guess what, kids are never going to stop being bullies. you either fit in or you’re made fun of for not fitting in. it’s funny that some people think you get to have a choice. it’s funny that the bullies think the freaks choose to be freaks. we don’t. it’s just who we are. I could look just like them, and I’d still be a freak. why even bother. I might as well like how I look and speak my truth. at least I’ll be honest.

turns out the reason my mom went to live in that commune is because she’s sick. really sick. my dad didn’t know because she didn’t want me to know. so I guess she’s going to die for real this time. that’s why my step-dad couldn’t drive me. he was taking care of her. seeing her was hard. it feels like it was so long ago. hard to believe it’s only been a couple months.

I’m not ok with who I am or with this situation. I’m so angry. when I thought my mom was dead before, I lost friends because they didn’t want to deal with my sadness. or people pretended to be my friend because they felt bad for me. when I found out my mom was alive, but like me, things got weird because people were treating me strangely for entirely different reasons. I don’t know how I’m going to deal when she dies again. AGAIN. that sounds so messed up.

I thought seeing her would be good. it wasn’t. I feel even worse now. I lost something, found it, and now it’s being taken away again.

I guess that’s what life is all about, right? I wish I’d never found out she was alive in the first place. that was a truth I could have done without.

27 Responses to “ “my hiatus”

  1. jawsnorevenge says:

    you shot who in the what now

  2. Kevolution says:

    Well, shit, its been too long. I have to say, kittyamy, that I have forgotten about you. Your usual antics have faded in with the white matter of my brain, being dominated by more important matters such as food and homework. But now you have returned, old friend, in a state worse than before. I can only hope that you get better and that Jason will finally tell us what the hell is going on with all of this.

  3. Lord Foppington III says:

    KittyAmy, it’s been a while. I missed you. I’m glad you’re back.

  4. Linesman says:

    Yeah, kid. They have tumblr for this kinda thing these days. Or like, livejournal, at least. How exactly do you not notice that you’ve hijacked someone’s website for your upsetting otherkin emotional problems?

  5. Mogwai says:

    You’ve got to be kidding me, right? KittyAmy is clearly some project by the guys. This has something to do with Chris, just you wait, it will turn into something weird 😉 Or, on the other hand, this might be just to create confusion and mayhem, otherwise, these posts would be deleted by now, since the site is a property and there are admins, right? Everyone’s should be waiting for some great reveal 😉

  6. This is a name says:

    Man, I glad this is finally continuing. I can’t help always wishing to see what’s going on.

    KittyAmy96, if you see this, may I ask what your mother is sick with?

  7. ThatOneChick says:

    -sigh- And here I thought we were done with this nonsense. Well,kittyamy. Cats are people, too. And people are, apparently, cats, too. If you don’t wanna be bullied, start carrying a rocket launcher in your purse.

    • Kevolution says:

      I agree. When you prance around meowing and telling people that you’re a cat, you can pretty much expect to get bullied. And if you didn’t expect that to happen – well, then, you have the IQ of a cat.

  8. Parker Rudolph says:

    I’ll be praying for you and your whole situation. Jesus heals.

    • coolforcats says:

      oh dear and once again god gets draged into this i wish there could be one comments list without some religous fock wit bringing their imaginary freind into things

      • This kitty amy thing is fake says:

        Shut up dude. Atleast this one isn’t against kittyamy. You need to respect others religions. I haven’t posted for a few months and there’s been no other religious problems. Stop it now.

        • The Dude says:

          Look, this is the internet. Nothing is respected here. Especially not religion. And instead of pointing to the plentiful amount of reasons religion should NOT be respected I’m just going to point out that you shouldn’t bring it up if you don’t want to encounter opposition. If you don’t want to have your beliefs questioned, go live under a rock where logical thinking people won’t visit you

  9. Amayalon says:

    I like this. Hey guys, do you think it could simply be Jason copy and pasting from a random blog he had found on a random website?

  10. That Guy That Said That One Thing, Remember? says:

    Awwwww… KittyAmy, I’m sad to hear about your mother. 🙁 Don’t let those bullies get you down, though. You’re very unique, more so than most even, and I’m glad you’ve embraced it! Just keep truckin’, girl; some day you’ll be far away from the bullies and in the company of friends who accept you for who you are!

  11. Son Gokuuuuu says:

    Jason…Could you just stop this before I actually start feeling bad for your little made up character? It’s making my pet narwhal cry…

  12. knoxkast Ep.76 says:

    i dont like kittyamy and i believe this is worst than my show…………….ha get it? 😉