being unfair

I’m officially ungrounded from going online from home. my dad and I have been talking more about what goes on in my head. he’s agreed for me to meet some of the people from the forum, as long as he’s around too. some of my lgbtq friends have been asking me to use a different term, since they think “trans-species” is unfair to transgender people. the official term is “species dysphoria,” I think. I think I mentioned it before. there’s also otherkin. if you’re really interested, you can google the term. a good discussions of it is at http://www.otherkin.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=33&t=3796
I guess I’m tired of people telling me that what I’m going through isn’t real, just because they don’t understand it. it makes me really angry and sad. most of my old friends (from before the lesbian thing) have stopped hanging out with me because they think I’m crazy. but I feel closer to understanding myself than I ever have before. there’s so much confusion in life. it’s so hard to connect to people. sometimes it feels like “normal” people are just looking for any excuse to exclude people that aren’t exactly like them. but no one’s normal. the people that try hardest to fit in are the ones that have to defend their views the most, and I think defending pointless opinions just because you can is a terrible way to be. it’s like they don’t want to think or accept that there’s a whole world outside of their tiny lives. I get it. it’s scary. but that doesn’t make the rest of us stop existing.
it will be nice to meet some people that understand, and talk to them face-to-face, and see how they live. I bet there are a lot of dogs walking around in a human body, and cats, and wolves, and a bunch of nameless animals, too.
I don’t want to cut off the rest of the world just because it keeps trying to cut me off. as the time I get to see my mom again gets closer, I want more than anything to reconnect. I need that. now that I’m starting to understand myself a little more, I think I’ll be able to be around people again. I hope.

the winding road goes on

post mother’s day. been feeling lost. school is almost over. I’m 16 now. going to get my learner’s permit soon. darleen was nervous about it. dad said it was a good idea, though. provide me with some independence. he’s been nice since I found mom. guess he felt guilty for hiding the truth from me for so long. he even helped a little, once he found out I’d been talking to people from the forums on the phone. he says he was worried for my safety. I haven’t been allowed to get online at home for the past two months. doesn’t mean I haven’t been getting on at school and the library and stuff. I guess I’ve been depressed and haven’t wanted to share myself with anyone. this past year has been so confusing. trying to figure out who I am, what’s wrong with me, why I feel so disconnected. dad started having me see the school therapist since I wasn’t talking at all to the one he was paying for. so now I get to spend my free period talking about myself, instead of doing school things. it’s ok. she lets me play guitar, and play games, and draw, and stuff. it’s all get-to-know-yourself crap. but it’s better than the other guy I was seeing. he’d just look at me with his fingers all intertwined and nod silently. super creepy.

it’s been really hard to write and share lately. I’ve been working on this entry for days. I’m going to see my mom once school is over. she isn’t as far away as I thought she was. one of the forumers helped me, that’s how dad found out about them. he overheard me on the phone. my stepdad is going to drive me there. maybe I’ll get to drive part of the way. dad doesn’t want me going alone. I sent my mom a card for mother’s day. her response was pretty weird. I think she must be really out of it or something. if I feel disconnected, she must be about ten times worse.

honestly, the place she’s at sounds like one of those off-the-grid, grow your own food, compost everything kind of places. except everyone there also identifies as something other than human. some of them have caretakers, like brian. he also helps take care of some of the other animal-people there. I don’t really know what that means. I’m a little freaked out by it.

I’ve met plenty of people who are ok with being an animal in a human body. I don’t know what it would be like to live as an animal while still being in a human body. I don’t even know how that works. do they wear clothes? how do they farm on four legs? how far do they take it? I haven’t gotten a lot of answers. it doesn’t help that, since I found her, I’ve barely been able to talk to anyone about it.

I’ve been writing a song about the whole thing. though really it’s just the lyrics so far, since I’m still not great with guitar. maybe I’ll post them once they’re all finished. probably not, though. I get laughed at enough as it is. and yet there were so many more people wearing cat ear hats this year than before. so I must be dong sometihng right, if people are still trying to be like me.

I think it’s pretty dumb they want to be like me. I don’t even want to be like me. they’re crazier than I am.