I found a message board for people like me who are trans-species, or have species dysphoria. I also found out that there’s another name for it: otherkin. I don’t like that one as much as trans-species, though. species dysphoria makes it sound like there’s something wrong with me, like I’m sick. otherkin makes it sound like I believe in fairies or something. trans-species sounds like it’s just a thing, like transgender or transsexual. like I’m just someone who was born into the wrong body, only I’m not a boy in a girl’s body. I’m a cat in a girl’s body.
so I’ve been on these message boards, talking to other people about things. and I feel better about myself, but also worse because, I mean, transgender would be hard enough for people to understand. there’s no way they could understand trans-species unless they were it, too. I guess that’s why mom went away. she saw the signs in me and was worried that I’d follow in her footsteps so she left. she didn’t want me to end up in the life that she had. but I have. so I’ve been trying to look for her.
I’ve made some friends on the boards. most of them are a lot older than me, so I’ve been asking around about my mom. I’ve been talking to my dad and been trying to call my stepdad. for once, darleen’s been pretty cool about things. guess she thinks I’ve had it rough enough already. it doesn’t feel right that my mom would have left me thinking she’s dead. my dad says that she hoped she’d be able to talk to me later on in my life, but it was gonna be at time when she and my dad thought I was ready. only my dad hasn’t heard from her in months. or from her husband.
dad doesn’t want to tell me much about the relationship mom had (has?) with her husband. I can kinda guess just from what I’ve figured out on the forums and little things I put together over the years. my stepdad acted like, I dunno, my mom’s owner. he took care of her. so when she “died” they both left and he’s been taking care of her at the cat commune. I don’t know exactly what it all means. just that he’s helping her live her life as she wants to live it. I have no idea how they can afford it. he must be working tech from his computer or something. that’s what he used to do.
there are parts of the message boards I can’t go to because I’m too young. I don’t really want to know what mom does with brian anyway, so I’m glad I can’t read about that crap. the older members are protective of me because I’m so young and because of what happened with my mom. they’re all keeping an eye out for me, to see if they hear anything about a commune like what my dad said.
I don’t know if I should even try to find her. I want to. I want to leave school and just go searching for her, but that’s not what she’d want. I hate myself for feeling that way. and I can’t shake the feeling that maybe brian has been keeping her from me. I don’t know.
hopefully I’ll find out more soon.
in other news, school’s ok (not great) and I’m getting better on the guitar, despite actually being a cat.