I’ve been sick for the past couple days. spent thanksgiving in bed. it was probably for the best. mom’s favorite holiday was thanksgiving. she used to let me help make the meal. it was fun, until I hit puberty and started being a jerk. I regret the times we fought. I was always so angry. I still am. I just don’t have anyone to take it out on now.
sometimes I imagine how I would act if darleen died. or my dad. what would I do differently? I’m not sure. sometimes the only thing that keeps me from screaming in darleen’s face is the thought of how bad I would feel if she died tomorrow. so despite the things I’ve said about her, I still try not to be a bitch to her. because I don’t know how much time I have left with her. just like I don’t know how much time I have left with my dad. and I didn’t know how little time I’d have with my mom.
I’m not ready yet to let go of the things I did with my mom, like making tg dinner. or xmas cookies. being sick was kind of a relief. I just stayed in bed and watched stupid movies. tried not to think too much about things. so of course I did the opposite.
I know it’s dumb to have regrets, but I can’t help it. sometimes they’re the only thing that make me still feel connected to my mom.
say it over and over. there is no good or evil. there is no such thing. it is just learned behavior. it is things our parents showed us or our teachers taught us or our friends pushed on us. it’s all subjective so it’s all a matter of opinion.
I hate all the movies with the ultimate evil vs the ultimate good because it’s never that simple. there isn’t some mighty god with a capital G in the sky, watching everyone and everything, waiting for each of us to sin so we can be punished. there isn’t some devil in the center of the world, trying to tempt us all. blind faith makes me want to scream. it makes me want to shake people. blind faith in anything. not just xtianity. blind faith in the goodness of others or that everything will be ok or that everything will be fucked up always and forever. it’s all a mess.
people just live their lives in their ignorance because it’s easier than looking at what is really there. this whole journey for self-identity has been helping me see this more and more. it feels like I’m on my own, since I can’t have blind faith in my dad anymore, and I never did in darleen. what’s the opposite of blind faith? that’s what I feel for her. I am cautious with my friends. they want me to open up but I don’t trust them. I don’t trust anyone. the more I look around me, the more I see that no one can be trusted. not even me. especially me.
I need something else to do.
maybe I’ll start playing my dad’s old guitar. he certainly doesn’t.
there’s this idea that things get easier, but I think it’s just that people get better at faking it. I am sick of keeping a fake blog, so I’m just forgetting the other one and focusing on this. it’s true that I don’t have much time anymore, and I like it that way. less time to think. less time to worry.
so I make new friends and manage to separate myself more completely from my family. it feels like I’m living two lives. like there is this part of me that has to pretend to be what my dad sees, and there’s another part who is trying to figure out what is under that. it’s a puddle that just reflects back what it’s shown. I don’t think I’m anything. it’s like I’m watching myself do these things, but I can’t stop myself from acting.
I hear conversations that mean nothing. people talk and I have nothing to say. I respond in terrible ways, and I hear myself saying these things, but I can’t stop. I can’t take it back.
I don’t want to be weird and I don’t want to be normal. I just want to be me. I thought I found a place where I could be accepted, and it’s ok, but it’s still not what i need. it’s better than school and it gives me a place to be that isn’t home, and I guess that’s all I can ask for right now. mom used to say I think too much. maybe I do. or maybe it’s just that no one else is thinking enough.
I don’t think things will get easier. I don’t think people are essentially good. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. it all seems like fairy tales. I have all these things I don’t believe in. what is left? what is real? what can I do?
I don’t think I’m going to post anymore. I just don’t have the time, with school and drama club and everything. Things are going fine in my life. so I guess there’s nothing else to say. thanks for reading, dad’s friend. you’ll have to get your amy fix straight from the source now, but not in like a gross way.
like I said in my other blog, I’ve been going to that place a lot. almost every day after school. dad and darleen don’t care too much as long as I’m still getting my homework done. though they have said they’d like for me to be around more often. they also asked if I’m going to be in a play or something anytime soon. I said we were just improv and stuff. no performances.
meeting other abnormal people has been cool. I feel less lonely but when I’m at school things still suck. I just avoid everyone. my ex-bf and ex-best friend are still together, only now they avoid me and are mean like I did something wrong. the counselor at the place I go (I need some kind of nickname for it) said the bf’s are probably feeling guilty so they’re projecting those feeling onto me. I think they’re just asshole jerks.
I want to thank all my new friends for the nice comments they’ve been making on my blogs. it means a lot to me. I feel really lucky and I’m glad I’m not alone anymore.