I’m trying to keep the moodiness out of my other blog so my dad doesn’t give me a hard time about things. but when I watched “nightmare before christmas” with my friends, it made me feel really lonely. I could relate to jack in a lot of ways. just feeling like I don’t belong, and like I want to try something new. and like everyone else is trying to keep things the way they are, misunderstanding me and stuff. I don’t know. it’s hard to explain.
I have been going to that place I mentioned before. it’s pretty cool. I don’t want to say the name of it just in case my dad’s friend finds this blog. but there are all kinds of people there. some of them are really dramatic, so I told my dad I’ve been doing afterschool drama club. it’s only kind of lying.
I guess what I’ve realized is that there are a lot of people that have it worse off than I do. yeah, my mom’s dead, my dad’s flaky, and my step-mom is overbearing, but at least I’m not on drugs or something. and I haven’t been kicked out of the house. I’m still not sure if I belong at this place, but it’s better than anywhere else I can find. at least they accept me there. well, the staff does. most of the other people do too. some are just jerks, but I guess that’s life. winning them over just isn’t worth the effort.
I watched “nightmare before christmas” with some friends tonight. I’d forgotten how much I liked that movie. it made me wish I’d carved a jack skellington pumpkin instead of a cat. I don’t think darleen would have liked it. she doesn’t seem to like anything I do.
school’s ok. I’ve been busy with lots of extra stuff. it’s nice to feel like I have some kind of social life. it’s been a while.
I’m not sure if people read both blogs, so I’ll just repeat a little of what I said on the other site. darleen, dad, and I carved pumpkins this weekend. I carved a cat, darleen did a standard jack a lantern face, and dad used a stencil from the kit. but he gave me a hard time about always carving cats.
mom used to do really elaborate carvings, like the kind you see at those pumpkin shows. she said she was going to teach me how to do them, but by the time I was old enough to learn, she’d gotten pretty sick and wasn’t doing them anymore. she always liked my cat pumpkins. I guess that’s why I keep doing them.
I don’t like to talk to my dad about mom because he doesn’t like to hear about it. I think he feels bad about being with darleen, even though darleen came along after mom and dad had already split up. he just doesn’t like being reminded of her. so I don’t talk to him about it. I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t have anything to say, except that I miss her, and I wish she was here, and I wish I’d been a better daughter. she wasn’t perfect, but she was a pretty good mom.
she also made really cool costumes. I guess she was the creative one in the family. too bad that didn’t get passed on to me.
maybe I’ll go as the color blue this year. that seems appropriate.
it was nice out this weekend so darleen, dad, and I went out and got some pumpkins to carve. like always, I carved a cat. my dad gave me a hard time about always doing the same thing. I can’t help it. cats are the only thing I can draw or anything, so why wouldn’t I do a cat? my dad did one of those patterns that come with the pumpkin-carving kits. darleen did a typical triangles and teeth face. apparently I am part of a household of boring people.
it was nice to be outside for a while, carving the pumpkins. I wanted to save the seeds but darleen wouldn’t let me. she didn’t feel like cleaning them. I said I would do it, but she told me that she knew I wouldn’t. I tried to save them anyway but she threw them away when I went to the bathroom. I was pissed.
I still don’t know what I’m gonna be for halloween. I do this every year. I get all excited and then wait to the last minute to decide and end up with something lame. oh well. at least I can be someone else for a day.
since my dad’s friend found my other blog, I’ve decided to start a new one. I’m going to keep the old one up, though, so that no one looks for this one. I told some of my friends from school about it, but that’s it.
my dad apologized for blowing up at me and darleen apologized for not sticking up for me. damage has been done, though. I don’t trust them.
one of my school friends told me about a place gay kids can hang out after school. it isn’t a club or anything. it’s like a center or something. no drugs or drinking. it’s free. and my parents don’t have to know.
I’m gonna tell them I’m doing math tutoring or something. I dunno yet. I guess I should just see how it goes before I start lying. I might not even like it there.
I might not even be gay, or bi, or straight, or anything at all.