I’m trying to keep the moodiness out of my other blog so my dad doesn’t give me a hard time about things. but when I watched “nightmare before christmas” with my friends, it made me feel really lonely. I could relate to jack in a lot of ways. just feeling like I don’t belong, and like I want to try something new. and like everyone else is trying to keep things the way they are, misunderstanding me and stuff. I don’t know. it’s hard to explain.
I have been going to that place I mentioned before. it’s pretty cool. I don’t want to say the name of it just in case my dad’s friend finds this blog. but there are all kinds of people there. some of them are really dramatic, so I told my dad I’ve been doing afterschool drama club. it’s only kind of lying.
I guess what I’ve realized is that there are a lot of people that have it worse off than I do. yeah, my mom’s dead, my dad’s flaky, and my step-mom is overbearing, but at least I’m not on drugs or something. and I haven’t been kicked out of the house. I’m still not sure if I belong at this place, but it’s better than anywhere else I can find. at least they accept me there. well, the staff does. most of the other people do too. some are just jerks, but I guess that’s life. winning them over just isn’t worth the effort.
I watched “nightmare before christmas” with some friends tonight. I’d forgotten how much I liked that movie. it made me wish I’d carved a jack skellington pumpkin instead of a cat. I don’t think darleen would have liked it. she doesn’t seem to like anything I do.
school’s ok. I’ve been busy with lots of extra stuff. it’s nice to feel like I have some kind of social life. it’s been a while.
I’m not sure if people read both blogs, so I’ll just repeat a little of what I said on the other site. darleen, dad, and I carved pumpkins this weekend. I carved a cat, darleen did a standard jack a lantern face, and dad used a stencil from the kit. but he gave me a hard time about always carving cats.
mom used to do really elaborate carvings, like the kind you see at those pumpkin shows. she said she was going to teach me how to do them, but by the time I was old enough to learn, she’d gotten pretty sick and wasn’t doing them anymore. she always liked my cat pumpkins. I guess that’s why I keep doing them.
I don’t like to talk to my dad about mom because he doesn’t like to hear about it. I think he feels bad about being with darleen, even though darleen came along after mom and dad had already split up. he just doesn’t like being reminded of her. so I don’t talk to him about it. I don’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t have anything to say, except that I miss her, and I wish she was here, and I wish I’d been a better daughter. she wasn’t perfect, but she was a pretty good mom.
she also made really cool costumes. I guess she was the creative one in the family. too bad that didn’t get passed on to me.
maybe I’ll go as the color blue this year. that seems appropriate.
it was nice out this weekend so darleen, dad, and I went out and got some pumpkins to carve. like always, I carved a cat. my dad gave me a hard time about always doing the same thing. I can’t help it. cats are the only thing I can draw or anything, so why wouldn’t I do a cat? my dad did one of those patterns that come with the pumpkin-carving kits. darleen did a typical triangles and teeth face. apparently I am part of a household of boring people.
it was nice to be outside for a while, carving the pumpkins. I wanted to save the seeds but darleen wouldn’t let me. she didn’t feel like cleaning them. I said I would do it, but she told me that she knew I wouldn’t. I tried to save them anyway but she threw them away when I went to the bathroom. I was pissed.
I still don’t know what I’m gonna be for halloween. I do this every year. I get all excited and then wait to the last minute to decide and end up with something lame. oh well. at least I can be someone else for a day.
since my dad’s friend found my other blog, I’ve decided to start a new one. I’m going to keep the old one up, though, so that no one looks for this one. I told some of my friends from school about it, but that’s it.
my dad apologized for blowing up at me and darleen apologized for not sticking up for me. damage has been done, though. I don’t trust them.
one of my school friends told me about a place gay kids can hang out after school. it isn’t a club or anything. it’s like a center or something. no drugs or drinking. it’s free. and my parents don’t have to know.
I’m gonna tell them I’m doing math tutoring or something. I dunno yet. I guess I should just see how it goes before I start lying. I might not even like it there.
I might not even be gay, or bi, or straight, or anything at all.
instead of starting a new blog, I’ll just keep this one. my week has been fine. school hasn’t been too bad. darleen hasn’t been on my ass like she normally is. my dad apologized for blowing up at me.
fairy tale, yay.
so a friend of my dad’s found this blog (not sure how, doesn’t seem like anyone else has found it) and told my dad about me saying I was probably a lesbian. he didn’t say anything about me calling darleen a bitch, though. guess he agrees with that.
anyway, I had to spend the weekend listening to how I was too young to know if I was “homosexual” or not, and a lot of anger, and a lot of “what did I do wrong” and shit. thing is, I never said I was a lesbian. I was kind of kidding. but he wouldn’t listen to me. and darleen just sat there with her lips tight together, looking at me but not making eye contact.
my mom wouldn’t have cared. she would have hugged me and said that she loved me no matter who I loved. I don’t know why my dad acted this way. I thought he was open-minded. he’s always defending my individuality to darleen. this just doesn’t make any sense.
so I was basically grounded this weekend. grounded for jokingly saying I MIGHT be a lesbian. what’s gonna happen if I really am one? am I gonna get kicked out?
this is not what I expected to happen at all. but when is it ever?
I have to go … I’m not supposed to be on the computer. hopefully my dad’s friend doesn’t report that, too. might have to change my website or account or something. I don’t even know how that works. stupid internet. stupid me. stupid dad. stupid everything.
I hate the weekends. I used to spend them with my mom and her husband. it wasn’t too bad. my mom was pretty cool. she wasn’t as dorky as my dad but didn’t try to be my best friend or anything. anyway, I hate the weekends because she’s dead now and I miss her. I can’t even visit her grave or anything because she was cremated and her husband kept the ashes. he acts like I don’t exist. I can’t remember the last time we talked. sometimes I try to call him but he lets it go to voice mail and doesn’t call me back.
the weeks suck because I hate school and darleen is a bitch, so home sucks, and now the weekends suck too because I don’t get to see my mom. it’s like I live in a vacuum with all the suck suck suck.
it isn’t even school that I hate, it’s the people. it’s always the people. people people people.
why can’t I just be a cat or something simple?
today when I was walking home from school, I saw some birds under an overpass. a big bird had a hold of a smaller bird, and they were both flapping their wings really hard, with the big bird trying to drag away the small bird and the small bird trying to get away from the big bird. just then a car came along and BAM! smashed into both birds. they went flying away in different directions. and I thought, maybe I’m like that little bird with trying to get away from this terrible shit only to have something else equally bad come along and smash into me. so it’s like either I die quickly one way or slowly the other but either way it fucking sucks and I end up in pain and then dead.
oh, and I failed my math test.
darleen is gonna kill me.
today at school, my best friend told me that she and my ex-boyfriend have been hanging out lately and they kissed at a columbus day bbq or something. I didn’t even know people had bbqs on columbus day. I also didn’t know that my bf cared about my ex-bf. she was the one that convinced me to break up with him. said I was too good for him. so what does that make her?
anyway, I don’t really care. they’re both traitors and they deserve each other. I did so much for both of them and they are two-faced and didn’t care. I can’t believe I wasted so much time on either of them.
whatever, I’m probably a lesbian anyway. boys suck.